The God I just can't Understand

I dont question God's existence. I have seen God through the perfection of the universe, nature and even science.
I just dont understand him or her. God is so strange. Preachers judge people if they get sick, religious people tend to judge people's reality because of their actions.

I dont understand God. Is not the suffering of people, or the fact that many religious people are having such terrible diseases. Is the fact that God is very strange. It seems to me that God helps when he/she wants to do it or God just doesn't help when he/she does not want to.

There was a kid from church in Socorro, Colombia. He was nice, quiet, good boy, very faithful, young, very religious, active in church. He died apparently of Cancer. I saw the news on Facebook and it shocked me. Why such an active christian would die like this? why God dint heal him? why does God choose to heal some but others not? Those questions filled my mind

I am angry with God sometimes. Why to trust God and be very active spiritually. I am in both sides: I want to run away from God and I desperately need God. There is a lack of the love of God that I need now.

God you are very difficult. I stopped thinking about many things because you just don't make sense and that is why I am angry at you at this moment.

What some people feel. Some people fight with God and are angry at him

Spiritual Earthquakes!

I havent published reflections lately. From the last time I published my spiritual life has gotten colder. My dear grandma passed away. It seems when death comes to the ones I love I tend to move away from God. My girlfriend and I found a nice mega church that we go to. Is hard because I go to church on saturday and then the following weeks I start to have a bunch of trial and tribulation. Today I experienced spiritual harships in the form of increased sexual desire. I wanted to sleep with all possible women I saw in the street. After struggling for a while and having many thoughts I kind of looked up and ask God for help. It did relieved me a little.

I came back to work and everything was fine. I was scanning some documents and we felt the floors were shaking. One of my cowrkers suggested that it might be an earthquake and we just dismiss it. 10 seconds later there was a real and heavy earthquake of magnitude 6.6. I ran very fast to get out of that building, I was very nervous and worry about all my family and girlfriend. After being sure that I was safe, I approached the few people that were outside with me and told them to go to the nearest park. Fortunately the earthquake had just ended.

There are times in life where you have spiritual earthquakes in life. You want to go out and be safe. You want to feel quiet and at peace. The only way to really be safe when a spiritual earthquake is happening in your life is to look up and pray to God.

figure 1. Picture of people outside a Colombian building after the earthquake.

Note: In case of a physical earthquake please refer to the following link for the recommended actions: http://www.google.org/publicalerts/alert?aid=fff1aa5bf029a7ae&hl=en&gl=CO&source=web

Even though...

I got kicked out of church. Some crappy dumb kid thought that being a leader and having non stupid members in his clan was a bad thing. Appearently I was an unequal yonk because I think in a different way and have reasonable questions. He told me that I was out of the group.
Lesson: Go to church but dont become too involved in the little groups. They Destroy your faith.

God deliver me from your followers.

The greater the struggle the most glorious the triumph...

Second month of the year. I have tried to show myself that I am able to take care of everything all by myself. It is been really hard. I fall then I stand up again. God has not abandoned me but I feel God is far away. I am beginning to question God and dislike God.

These are hard times.

figure 1. I must trust these proverbs. Hope is always there.

Twists and turns in spiritual struggle...

This is January 2013, almost 1 month from the passing of my beloved mother. Trust God under any and I mean any circumstance. Dont try to understand God. No one can.

All of the best.

Figure 1. I would love to be in a real place like this.

Life just doesn't end here! Testimony

Esto es lo que me sucedio cuando mi mamita fallecio. Y Dios la llevo a la luz y la eternidad...

Diciembre 18 martes: Hoy quedara marcado como uno de los días más largos de mi vida. En el trabajo estuve muy preocupado. Hable con Claudita, Ximena y Nubia. Me recomendaron decirle a German para adelantar vacaciones. Yo hable con el y me autorizo a irme de una vez si era necesario. Sali en la noche y fui a comer. De allí Sali para el cancerológico a estarme esa noche con mi mamita.

En el cancerológico, llegue y entre al cuarto especial de mi mamita. Estaba conectada a la mascara de oxigeno y tenia mucha dificultad para respirar. Estuve esa noche con ella, le lei del libro del nuevo testamento que regalan las personas del grupo “Gedeones”. Le dije que la amaba mucho, que me perdonara por cosas malas que había podido haber dicho o hecho. Le dije también que descansara cuando quisiera.

Despues de esto sentí un fuerte y pesado sueno. Me recosté al lado de ella tomándola de la mano derecha y recostando mi cabeza sobre la camilla. Dormi!

Despues de un momento me desperté y mi mamita se estaba quejando, aferre su mano y le dijo Tranquila mamita aquí estoy.

Nuevamente me desperté, mire el reloj y eran 10 para la media noche. Estaba el enfermero jefe, me dijo: “Tranquilo solo le estoy poniendo antibióticos.” Cada vez que despertaba miraba la respiración y la presión sanguínea de la vena de mi mamita. Cai nuevamente en un sueno muy profundo. Cuando desperté estaba una enfermera frente a unos aparatos médicos. Mire a mi mamita y vi que ya no estaba respirando. Mire a la enfermera y me dijo un poco exaltada:”hay que esperar que un medico la valore…” Yo me di cuenta que mi mami ya había partid y le dije: “ya no esta respirando cierto?” a lo que ella asintió con melancolía.

La enfermera salio del cuarto y yo me pare asustado, exaltado y bajo confusión. Dije:”Dios hablame”, abri la biblia y encontré apocalipsis 14 versiculo 13 y lo que Dios me dijo fue: “Oi una voz que desde el cielo decía: escribe: Bienaventurados de aquí en adelante los muertos que mueren en el señor. Si, dice el espíritu, descansaran de sus trabajos porque sus obras siguen”. Fue un momento maravilloso y entendí que mi mamita a pesar de haber partido en esa forma es bienaventurada por partir con el señor.

Diciembre 19 miercoles: a veces sentía que no era verdad y que mi mamita aun respiraba. Finalmente acepte el hecho de que ella ya había partido. Llore un rato y llame a mi papa para informarle. Despues a mi tio Orlando para que le informara al tio Fabio y tia Claudia. Vinieron por mi en carro. Mientras tanto yo oraba y agradecia porque fue la voluntad de Dios.

Nos fuimos para el apartamento y planeamos como decirle a mis nonitos tan delicada noticia. Trate de ser delicado pero a la vez no dar tantos rodeos y les dije la noticia. Lloramos todos unidos y nos abrazamos. Fue un momento bonito.

Ese dia Sali con mi tio Fabio todo el dia y fuimos al instituto de cancerología hacer las vueltas para el cuerpo de mi mamita y lo del funeral. Sacamos varias copias. En la tarde fui almorzar a la casa del tio Fabio y allí estuve. Dormi un rato porque estaba muy cansado. En la noche me reencontré con la familia y hablamos que logramos conseguir mañana un dia de velación, luego viaje al socorro para velación allí y finalmente el entierro en el Socorro, Santander donde nacio mi mamita.

Mami te voy a extrañar. Te fuiste un 19 de diciembre. Estuve junto a ti agarrando tu manita. Dios hablo de una forma clara. La muerte solo es el paso a un mejor lugar. No va a ser fácil, pero en tu memoria y para honrar el amor de Dios luchare y tendre mucho coraje y valentía para enfrentar lo que viene.

Dios me ha ayudado

Starting to talk back with God... the beginning

 So you thought you didn't need God. You thought you could be good enough without God, with your pride, hatred, anger...

Well in my case, NO I Couldn't.

I fought against God. I even disliked God a lot. The fact that God wasn't showing healing in my family's environment. My mother is still sick of cancer and she is not getting good. Mom is in the hospital in the urgency room. I go to visit her during my lunch hour from work. It is hard to see her like that. She is losing control and probably losing faith too.

In the mist of suffering, frustration and anger with God. Suddenly my brother invited me to a meeting in what he called "a non denominational youth group". I went there and the spiritual environment was peaceful. A young man about 24 was talking about reconciliation with God. I was broken inside. After the mini speech they turned the lights off and told us to pray in intimacy with God. I prayed like never before. Something changed, I made peace with God, I cried, I returned to God with faith.
That was my personal experience of spiritual reconciliation.
Let's see what happens. I am expectant...